Resistance is the Secret of Joy

[xakara]

I can't do it. I just don't have it in me. 

July was this festering, abyss of pain, depression, fatigue, and faith shaking obstacles. I can't do it again. I can't go down that road while I still have the marks from my last trip. They aren't even scars, but scabs, still healing wounds that would bleed if you treated them too harshly. I can't go through that again so soon. 

I was feeling great yesterday. My strength was back. I'd hit all of my step goals in the last week, and was looking forward to upping my workout routine and hitting that creative zen point that happens when I'm on the glider and its just speed, music, and floating novel ideas that let me capture them and put them in some sort of order. I've missed that while I was recovering from July. I thought that Friday I'd be back on the glider at near full strength again and was looking forward to it.

Now that's gone. Now I have to heal all over again. 

But I can't lose everything over this. The ankle has swollen and it looks like someone cut a large golf ball in half and slipped it under my skin. Considering it was once hurt enough that it looked more like half a tennis ball, and on the first day, half a softball, a golf ball sized swelling isn't so bad. 

I can't glide on it, but I can still walk. As long as I can walk, I can still meet the step goals I set, I just have to move the pedometer a bit so it can read my altered gait. Drop my goal by 2000 steps to allow for healing and I can keep going. I have to keep going. It's not just about the health and fitness aspect either, I walk in place to music as I write (typing while moving is challenging, but worth the practice). It helps me think and it turns what would be my most sedentary part of the day into hours of movement. My version of the pacing artist.

I can't stop moving. I can't stop writing. I can't stop living. I gave everything to July and I don't have it in me to stop and wait, and patiently heal and then begin again. It's what I need to do, I've been injured enough to know, but it's what I can't do right now. (I've been depressed enough in the past to know that too). 

So, I'm going to rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I am resistant to all other courses of action. I can't stop the pain fully, but everything else this would take from me, I can resist letting go of right now. I can resist the depression and the clusterfuck of everything grinding to a halt. I can resist letting this have me when I have so much to still get done. 

I refuse. I resist. 

And as Alice Walker has shared...resistance is the secret of joy.

Ranty Ramble Done

~X

Comments

[frost-light.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. You can do it :)

[xakara.livejournal.com]

(http://photobucket.com)

Speaking of hanging in there, how are you doing, sweets? Have you conquered the edits yet?

Just in case. (http://photobucket.com)

[frost-light.livejournal.com]

No, I shamefully asked for more time instead *hangs head*

Hoping to finish in a week. My editor gave me until the end of Aug, but I want to have it in earlier since today was my original deadline.

[xakara.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you feel bad about asking for more time.

Don't think about it.

Think about this instead:

(http://photobucket.com)