xakara

I've always been a vampire inclined kinda girl. They were my favorite monster from the very beginning and continue to be in their many guises. However, every three to four months I deeply sympathize with the mythos of the moon ruled shapeshifter.

Since you're still reading this beyond the TMI warning, I'll proceed as if you actually care. My period takes up two weeks out of every month; one week of PMS and one week shedding the uterine lining. Blood and Mayhem at its best. I currently bleed through the full moon each month, (it drifts from year to year), and normally it's a very creative and spiritually balancing time. Then every three to four months I'm reminded of the PMDD diagnosis because the symptoms are so severe that I can't play it off as I normally do.

The depression and anger are worse than the pain and exhaustion that come with it. I'm hypoglycemic and an insomniac, so I have enough things influencing my mood and trying to bring it down from day to day that I don't really need the hormonal overload adding to it--but then again, who does. Anyway, I turn into this emotional creature ready to walk away from everything and not have to do this anymore. "This" is not always the same thing, but the determination to put it all behind me is unwavering.

Earlier I wanted to stop writing, go off and find some "normal" 9 to 5, rent a cabin in the woods and not have to see anyone again for the rest of my life. Which, yes, makes the 9 to 5 impossible, at least if it's "normal". But it doesn't have to make sense, depression is unreasonable that way. Right now I've left behind the cabin in the woods desire and just want to sleep until I'm not tired anymore. In another hour who knows, I might be ready for someone to push the button and reset the whole shebang so we can all get it right next time around.

It sucks, and sometimes a good breakdown is the only way to get through it. But wait, there's more. I can't do anything normal, including being depressed. So even as I'm upset and going through all of these changes, I can't help but marvel at the power of hormones and blood sugar to influence mood and world outlook. Several stories have come to mind, all of which I can't wait to write the moment I get some rest and get everything else already in line done.

So I'm depressed and angry. And I'm excited about the stories to come from the depression and anger. And because I have stories to think about, despite being depressed and angry, I'm happy. I'm happy--dangerous and mentally unstable by virtue of being able to be angry, depressed, excited and happy all at once--but still happy. How messed up is that?

It would be so much easier to grow fur and go around eating the local livestock three nights a month...If we had local livestock.

Depression-PMDD-Shapeshifter Metaphor-Yes I'm Crazy But I'm Cute, Ramble Done

~X